Side Projects at 49
For over three years, I've been haunted my last published blog post, called Side Projects at 46. It's about my historic inability to complete projects and some possible reasons why.
I wrote it with a sense of optimism and momentum, but rereading it today, I must have subconsciously know the truth. The last lines are "Will it stay up to date and published? Time will tell."
Narrator: Time did tell. It did not stay up to date.
Until now.
Back then, I floated some reasonable, but less than useful ideas about why. What about the projects and the situation made it difficult for me to complete them?
It seems a lot more clear to me now that whatever reasons, a better question is, "What is it going to take to finish?" I think there are two things that are going to help me: medication, and the belief in success.
Medication #
I have always had a problem with procrastination and attention. Even in high school, I knew friends who were prescribed Adderall or Ritalin. I used it in college to study, or just to stay up and enjoy other drugs. But I always resisted it and never got diagnosed with ADD or ADHD. I am not hyperactive and I have some cognitive abilities that allowed me to cope. Later on I developed a lot of systems and habits through an obsession with productivity literature and other self-help.
So, maybe I don't have it, I thought. I went on to succeed as a web developer for 16 years.
Earlier this year, I realized that I was still struggling with sticking with something even though I really wanted to do it and even though I knew doing it would be less painful that continually thinking about doing it. I decided to get diagnosed and I got some medication called atomoxetine, originally branded "Stellara". Since then I find myself with a little more control, a little more ability to get back to the task at hand, a little bit less likely to be suddenly standing in front of the fridge or browsing YouTube.
Medication brings up a lot of feelings. It can seem like a loss of independence, a weakness, or a trade off. I even sometimes doubt my diagnosis because depending how I am feeling, I answer the questions differently, and because I know which answers I need to give to get a result. The fact that neither ADD nor the reasons for the drugs efficacy are fully understood doesn't help.
But the medication is working. Life is too short for me to see what I want to do, know that I could do it, be reminded that I am not doing it. If it takes medication to break out of that paralysis, give me medicine.
Belief in worthwhile success #
I don't know where I first heard this idea, but I am absolutely convinced that a key to persisting on a project is the belief in success and that it will be worth it once you succeed. This means first that success is clearly defined, second that you inner self believes that you can achieve success, and finally that success is feels worth it to you.
The part about defining reasonable definitions for success may be obvious if you've ever heard of SMART goals. In fact, I think dozens of productivity techniques are all about providing a sense of progress, breaking down large things into easier (and more believable achievable) tasks.
Belief, though, is mysterious and fascinating to me, because it lies at the edge of our control. Beliefs are inherited, adopted, or cultivated from observation. They form out of opposition, attraction, fear or love. In other words they define us even as we define them.
So, success for me, hitting publish today and breaking this streak. Success means continuing to write. It means adding the last polish to a fun app and publishing it to a subdomain. It means avoiding a new shiny for just a little bit so I can finish the previously shiny thing.